Order of the Fez

Scott Baio…America’s sweetheart.  We know him as Charles from Charles In Charge.  We got a glimpse of his life during his reality show Scott Baio Is 45 And Single.  From that show, we realized that Jason Hervey (Wayne from The Wonder Years) isn’t dead like we all thought.  He lived every man’s dream by banging Heather Locklear, Denise Richards, Nicolette Sheridan, Pam Anderson, and probably all of our mothers.  He was a stallion created by God in the form of man.  He was…perfection.  That was before I found out about the real Scott Baio.

Two days ago, I was having a nice little Twitter discussion with a fellow Baio admirer, @papasbasement.  @papasbasement mentioned that Scott Baio was so classy that he would only fuck IHOP waitresses.  There was nothing but truth mentioned in that discussion.  Scott Baio was a classy motherfucker.  Apparently, Scott read this conversation and replied to @papasbasement.  Scott’s reply was as follows: “Hey @papasbasement.  That’s not what ur sister said in 1981 working @ a waffle house!  Maybe try growing up & move out of ur dads basement.”  As you can see, Scott Baio is illiterate and was barely able to type out a response in English.  I imagine he was drunk off of hooker sweat.  That being said, we were horrified that we had offended the great Scott Baio.  We also found out that Baio had blocked @papasbasement. 

I tried to be a voice of reason and fight for @papasbasement by trying to get Baio to calm down.  He eventually relented and unblocked @papasbasement, but in the mayhem, he ended up blocking me, @order_ofthe_fez.  My world shattered.  Everything my mother taught me about fairness in the world was thrown out the window like John Wayne Bobbitt’s dick.  I pleaded with Scott to unblock me.  I asked him what I did to deserve such a harsh reprimand from the greatest man who ever lived.  He never replied.  Probably because he blocked me. 

I am telling you this today because the Scott Baio we all loved and cherished is gone.  He’s been replaced by a total dick who cares nothing for fans or IHOP.  He’s as anti-America as they come.  It’s time the world stood up against tyranny and fought back.  Go to his Twitter site and tell him how you really feel.  The address is http://twitter.com/RealScottBaio. 

I will leave you with a link to a music video that depicts the sadness in my life and how a part of me has died.  I am the singer and Scott Baio is the girl.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Py8nRJGma0  We had a great thing going Scott.  You let fame get the best of you, and I hope your wife gets severe osteoporosis and cancer of the vagina.